I stopped the clock at 19.25 for this delightful concoction, all proper clues but with a great deal of wit, and at least one laugh out loud clue. No cricket, and plants that I either knew for sure or could easily guess. Some Latin, Shakespeare and grand opera that (probably) everyone knows, and (just to give everyone something to moan about) some foreign currency that would probably score a Pointless pointless answer*. Perhaps only for me, the top row provides a Nina: the unchecked letters give the A level grades I achieved for Maths with Statisics, English and History, in the days when grades were real grades, and you got nothing at all just for being able to spell your own name (with the help of a spellchecker).
*Pointless is a game show where in order to progress, contestants have to guess the answers to questions the fewest people in a panel of 100 (allegedly) knew. Logically, the premium pointless answer is one nobody (except the lucky contestant) knew. It often reveals a mind-bogglingly low level of general knowledge.
Here's my shockingly low level of crossword solving capacity fully revealed
Across
1 CAPSICUM that can be hot
In my panoply of botanical knowledge, capsicum covers the whole range of peppers, only some of which (fair play to the setter) are hot - the chilli ones, of course. An anagram ("rocks") of MUSIC tacked on to CAP for beat (via, say, outdo)
9 APPETITE desire
Dad is PA, which is "retired" and added to PETITE for "little"
10 FLOUNDER swimmer
FLOw cut short plus UNDER for "below"
11 GAS GIANT massive body
I freely confess to being much more taken tonight by a much smaller body with a "fridge" clinging to it: what a fantastic achievement by the European Space Agency! As HAL9000 said in 2010: "something wonderful". Anyway this clue leads us to such as HAL's Jupiter. Petrol is GAS (in some other language), car is GT, and the universal scotsman IAN slips inside.
12 MALEFACTOR delinquent
Only when I bothered to separate delinquent and female (a bucket of icy water helps, I find) did this fall out. Man doing drama is a MALE ACTOR, use F(emale) to stop it.
14 MIMI Doomed sewer
Pronounced "sower", Mimi is the frozen handed heroine of La bohème by Puccini. 1 M(ile) reverses twice, so even if you don't know the poor wee consumptive ("I feel better now" - flump) who is easily the most frequent operatic visitor to these squares, it's pretty easy to work out.
15 TEMPLAR Barrister
Barristers belong to one of four Inns of Court, two of them Temples (Middle and Inner) giving rise to this soubriquet. (nothing, or not much, to do with coffee) Politician is MP, L(eft) is placed on the opposite side to what the clue suggests, and both are buried in TEAR for "hurry"
17 APOSTLE messenger
From the Greek Απόστολος meaning "envoy". "Send" is POST, dunk it in ALE for "drink".
21 SNAG obstacle
The two metals are tin and silver. How that translates is an exercise for the student. Today's nod in the direction of Science
22 ABOVE BOARD Frank
A simple charade "on high" and "table"
23 CRUSADER Champion
Britain's Daily Express carries a wee crusader on its masthead, setting itself up as champion of the rights of the common man but really still obsessed with the death of the uncommon Diana, Princess of Hearts. "Oarsmen reportedly" sound like crew for the first bit, SAD is "down" and the ER comes from reversing RE for "on", about
25 ARSONIST Criminal
At last a clue for the fire-raiser that doesn't involve beheading vicars. One of those rather clever substitution clues here: SON for "child" replaces the first T(ime) in ARTIST, "performer"
26 REPROVED given rocket
SOVIET is RED, and holds PROVE for "test", the real meaning of the word in the otherwise inexplicable "exception that proves the rule"
27 ELEVATED in high condition
LEAVE mad gives the ELEVA bit, TED is the little man.
Down
2 ALLOCATE place
Easily believable surface for the land where the self-confessed effing tories fear to tread. C(onservative) takes its place in ALLOA, Add emptied ThE to complete your entry
3 SQUARE UP prepare to clash
On level terms (all) SQUARE, ahead is UP, as in "one up"
4 CODA Music to end sonata
Which also happens, in its last bits, to give you your answer.
5 MARGATE resort
A seaside town on the North Kent coast immortalised by Chas and Dave: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kzpHzUJCd4. A RAM is a butter (it buts) reversed for our purpose and added to GATE for "those attending", as in Chas and Dave and 37,000 others at White Hart Lane
6 APOSTROPHE'
Bloomingdale's is only there for that tiny tick at the end. TO A SHOPPER "out"
7 BIGAMIST woman over-groomed?
Guffawable definition. The wordplay's pretty devious too. I was toying with Titanic for "epic film" until I realised it was BIG MIST. Insert A(nswer)
8 BEATRICE Shakespearean lover
Neither Romeo nor Juliet, but the star cross'd (eventual) lover of Benedick. She will only BE A TRICE. Geddit?
13 ADAM AND EVE Plant
The couple in the garden, so easy to guess even if you don't know the plant. But you do. AKA Lords and Ladies, cuckoo pint, naked boys, jack-in-the-pulpit; all of the above because it looks like this:
![220px-Arum_maculatum_0_700]( "220px-Arum_maculatum_0_700")
Scientists call it Arum maculatum, but what do they know about having fun?
15 TEST CARD set pattern
Do what it says. Put CARD (eccentric) under TEST (investigation)
16 MEA CULPA I'm sorry
Latin for "my fault", usually accompanied by literal chest beating. Copper is CU (oh look, more science!) restaurant date is MEAL. Place one inside t'other, add PA for "secretary"
18 STOTINKA foreign bread
With around 240 of them to the pound sterling, the Bulgarian for "cent" is an old penny in disguise. But what a disguise. Unless you've been in Bulgaria reecently, you'll have to construct this from crossers and wordplay, and cross your fingers. "Awful smell" gives STINK, bind TO therein, and add A(ppal)
19 LARGESSE Gifts bestowed
Sounds like large S "read out". Chambers allows the pronunciation, not sure I do.
20 COMRADE associate
CO(mpany) and MADE for "forced" take R(epublican) on board
24 ISLE Could it be... Lewis
&littish. Take W(ife) out of LEWIS and subject it to a battering from that storm